Ugh.

This blog has sat stagnant for so long, the spammers have begun sweeping in, shitting little turds in the comments sections of old posts like diarrhetic vultures.

I’m still here, still struggling, which makes for boring-assed blog material. Struggling? Okay, yeah, people are starving, living without clean, running water or electricity. I guess that’s why I’m not as inclined to publicly air my shit as I was in my twenties. Every time I toss out a glass of water that has cat hair in it, I am reminded of how fucking blessed, how utterly privileged, I am.

All the same, in the context of trying to be a writer, trying to be a self-employed and functional member of society, I feel a lot of strife and outright fail much of the time. I’ve been wrestling with generalized anxiety disorder for some time now. And for the past month or two I’ve been fighting with what I’ve described as physical depression: I can’t seem to get enough sleep, no matter how much sleep I get. I’m not sad, but try telling my body that. My motivation is shit. And at the same time, I’ve gotten myself mired with noisy mental shit that’s taking up all my brain-space.

How the hell does anyone out there have time to get their panties in a tizzy about Amazon, or E.L. James, or whoever that chick is with the 1D fanfic? I mean, I get it – we’re all struggling along, trying to find a single, tiny thread of our dreams to weave into any kind of corner of reality. But fuck, man. Right now my head is so noisy with shit I don’t want to think about, I haven’t had a decent daydream, fantasy, or mental plotting session in well over a month. I guess if I had time to bitch about what someone else was doing, I’d have time to actually write my own stories.

I will say two things: 1) I’m not doing theater again for at least a few years. And 2) I’ve learned a lot about the body lately. Like, did you know excessive yawning can be a form of hyperventilation? And did you know that excessive sugar/carbs can trip up your insulin, cause your system to overreact,  creating a glucose drop which in turn triggers your cortisol to spike and essentially ruin your sleep? I’m trying – trying to figure this shit out and get myself back.

That is all, for now. I’ve been kicking around some ideas for an actual content-heavy blog post, but for now, this is it.

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