Vomit

Thoughts and feelings and personal shit. I have ’em.

So hey, why not write a blog. First, though – I could totally use some eyecandy to cheer me up, so if anyone’s actually reading this, make with the hotties, pls kthx.

Thing The 1:

(This one is a lot of rambly bitching and vaguery and probably not very interesting, but it’s helping me to get it out and put it into the internetvoid.)

I’m just so angry right now, over something I let myself get roped into, again. I’m angry that other people are spewing their drama onto me and damaging my calm. I am very, very protective of my mellow. See, I’m a pretty laid-back gal. It took some fucked up occurrences and revelations to reach this point, but for the most part, I’ve hit this sort of zen thing that probably isn’t actually a ‘zen’ thing so much as an understanding I’ve met with Life. Basically, there’s not a whole lot that’s worth emotional strife or negativity. Being kind (not nice, but kind), costs nothing. Everyone has their own shit, and just – just, don’t be an asshole, you know? It’s this kind of outlook that has made me pretty fucking chill about people. It takes a lot to actually piss me off. I sure as hell don’t go looking for it. Maybe there should be an ‘anymore’ at the end of that sentence – I think probably when you’re in your 20s or so, it’s pretty common to grab onto someone or something as a focus for personal angst. Anyway.

So someone is damaging my calm, harshing my mellow, fucking with my zen. And when that actually happens, it really, REALLY pisses me off. Because you don’t fuck with my calm, man.

But what pisses me off MORE than that, is the fact that I fucking asked for it. I was too passive, too much of a goddamned wimp. I failed to say, “no” good and firmly, and this is the payment I get.

This was supposed to be my summer for focusing on ME. For getting myself back into some healthy habits, for restringing my piano, for doing a whole lot of shit that’s been festering in the “to do” pile of my life. And like a fool, I thought I could just take a secondary role in this Thing I got roped into, and it wouldn’t dominate and wreck my mental well-being the way it has.

FAIL.

I think part of why I get so mad when someone succeeds at damaging my calm is that *I* am actually *working* on being calm and kind and mentally balanced. And usually it’s those people who need to be in some kind of therapy and should probably increase their meds and take their own mental and spiritual health a little more seriously that fuck with mine. It’s like the story of my life is that the people who need therapy the most are never the ones that actually go.

GRRRR.

So, there’s that.

Thing The 2

This is the first time a playlist has ever successfully happened for one of my writing projects. It’s weird, but even though I’ve been a musician my entire fucking life (minus five years), I usually find music to be way too distracting for writing. But this time? Hmmmm yummy yummy yummy music stuff.

I don’t want to write about my writing stuff, though, because I’m a little superstitious and I also feel kind of like if you talk about your writing, you’re not writing.

Thing The 3

I forget? Idunno, bunch of piano shit and yeah, I caught the stupid EL James trainwreck and the Kindle KDU author wangst and whatnot. Also, B&N is just a big bucket of embarrassment nowadays, huh?

I need a beach. An ocean to wash away my resentment and frustration.

I’ve seriously come close, twice now, to walking into a QT and purchasing a pack of Kamel Red Lights. Anything you do should have a return – whether it’s money, useful experience/education, or joy. Right now my evenings are largely being wasted on something that is giving me nothing and taking a lot of time and gas and emotional energy. And it’s largely my fault, I guess. So angry. Here’s a couple from my playlist of awesome.

ali

 

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