Vomit

Thoughts and feelings and personal shit. I have ’em.

So hey, why not write a blog. First, though – I could totally use some eyecandy to cheer me up, so if anyone’s actually reading this, make with the hotties, pls kthx.

Thing The 1:

(This one is a lot of rambly bitching and vaguery and probably not very interesting, but it’s helping me to get it out and put it into the internetvoid.)

I’m just so angry right now, over something I let myself get roped into, again. I’m angry that other people are spewing their drama onto me and damaging my calm. I am very, very protective of my mellow. See, I’m a pretty laid-back gal. It took some fucked up occurrences and revelations to reach this point, but for the most part, I’ve hit this sort of zen thing that probably isn’t actually a ‘zen’ thing so much as an understanding I’ve met with Life. Basically, there’s not a whole lot that’s worth emotional strife or negativity. Being kind (not nice, but kind), costs nothing. Everyone has their own shit, and just – just, don’t be an asshole, you know? It’s this kind of outlook that has made me pretty fucking chill about people. It takes a lot to actually piss me off. I sure as hell don’t go looking for it. Maybe there should be an ‘anymore’ at the end of that sentence – I think probably when you’re in your 20s or so, it’s pretty common to grab onto someone or something as a focus for personal angst. Anyway.

So someone is damaging my calm, harshing my mellow, fucking with my zen. And when that actually happens, it really, REALLY pisses me off. Because you don’t fuck with my calm, man.

But what pisses me off MORE than that, is the fact that I fucking asked for it. I was too passive, too much of a goddamned wimp. I failed to say, “no” good and firmly, and this is the payment I get.

This was supposed to be my summer for focusing on ME. For getting myself back into some healthy habits, for restringing my piano, for doing a whole lot of shit that’s been festering in the “to do” pile of my life. And like a fool, I thought I could just take a secondary role in this Thing I got roped into, and it wouldn’t dominate and wreck my mental well-being the way it has.

FAIL.

I think part of why I get so mad when someone succeeds at damaging my calm is that *I* am actually *working* on being calm and kind and mentally balanced. And usually it’s those people who need to be in some kind of therapy and should probably increase their meds and take their own mental and spiritual health a little more seriously that fuck with mine. It’s like the story of my life is that the people who need therapy the most are never the ones that actually go.

GRRRR.

So, there’s that.

Thing The 2

This is the first time a playlist has ever successfully happened for one of my writing projects. It’s weird, but even though I’ve been a musician my entire fucking life (minus five years), I usually find music to be way too distracting for writing. But this time? Hmmmm yummy yummy yummy music stuff.

I don’t want to write about my writing stuff, though, because I’m a little superstitious and I also feel kind of like if you talk about your writing, you’re not writing.

Thing The 3

I forget? Idunno, bunch of piano shit and yeah, I caught the stupid EL James trainwreck and the Kindle KDU author wangst and whatnot. Also, B&N is just a big bucket of embarrassment nowadays, huh?

I need a beach. An ocean to wash away my resentment and frustration.

I’ve seriously come close, twice now, to walking into a QT and purchasing a pack of Kamel Red Lights. Anything you do should have a return – whether it’s money, useful experience/education, or joy. Right now my evenings are largely being wasted on something that is giving me nothing and taking a lot of time and gas and emotional energy. And it’s largely my fault, I guess. So angry. Here’s a couple from my playlist of awesome.

ali

 

Mish to the Mash Update: Rants and Raves

Been a while, I know. I’ve been working on a few large things, both in authorland and pianoland. Which means a lot of head-down working and a long stretch of nothing to show for it for the foreseeable future. I’m a-okay with that. Hopefully it’ll pay off in the end, and the happy part is that I’m actually excited about both writing and pianos again, despite the overwhelming parts.

Apparently, this is the year of Steinway for me. It’ll be interesting. Fingers crossed.

It helps my focus that the internet is so full of shit lately, I’ll say that much. Or maybe it’s the other way around. Maybe stepping away from the internet and all its commentary and bitchery has made me less tolerant of it. I don’t know. What I do know is that, for me anyway, there are bigger things to advocate for and against than author bullies and problematic fiction.

Don’t get me wrong – I think it’s a great thing that so many people (myself included) have been educated and changed for the better with regards to racism, bigotry, sexism, and just general human kindness and understanding. But lately, the few times poke my head in on the blogs and tumblrs I usually follow, I get this feeling of stale disgust.

The two main issues I personally have are:

a) We’re really still whinging about GoodReads meanies? I swear to christ, some of these authors and their boohooing need to spend three active years immersed in a large and critical fandom, be put through the wringer multiple times on fanficrants and fandomfail, and have to submit their work to sites like Petulant Poetess. When you put your shit out there, whether as an author, blogger, musician, artist, whatever – you are putting a product out that is no longer in your hands. And when it’s in the proverbial hands of a consumer (reader, listener, whatever), they have any and every right to respond however the fuck they want. Also? That fact is NOT “victim blaming.” Your publicly sold/posted material isn’t akin to “wearing too short of a skirt,” and blog trolls are NOT “rapists.” Jesus fucking christ. That was easily one of the grossest things I’ve seen in a month, and no, I’m not going to link where I saw it.

b) Fictional characters are fictional. And frankly, as a reader, I don’t want to read about or watch perfect people who never say, think, or do anything problematic. While I think it’s important and valuable to point out the problematic shit, the characters and stories are not the author. Just as a story is no longer “our baby” when it goes out to readers, the story a reader gets isn’t the author. That said, I’ve seen both reviewers and authors lose sight of that. All I can say is: if/when I publish a story with some sexist, racist, homophobic, and/or slut-shaming character flaws, when that criticism comes, I will be happy to agree that said characterization is problematic, and that’s kind of the point. No one is perfect – even the best, most socially conscious hero or heroine would be fucking boring and unrealistic as fuck if they didn’t have their idiot moments. And said idiotic moments absolutely should be criticized, not celebrated.

Now that I’ve gotten that out of the way, RAVES.

OMG, y’all. The Martian by Andy Weir. Can I tell you about this? I discovered Andy Weir, not from the bestseller hype, but from a tumblr meme that spoke to my agnostic self. Unfortunately, I can’t find the actual jpeg that went with it, but it was basically his short story, The Egg. Go ahead, read it.

…right?

Anyway, I was so blown away, I looked into his other stuff and nabbed The Martian. Funny enough, I haven’t actually finished reading it. Because it’s so damned good, I don’t want it to end. So I keep stopping myself and setting it aside. Seriously. Just read the first page, and you’ll see.

More exciting, it’s being made into a movie for release this fall, with a slew of awesome actors, and I CANNOT FUCKING WAIT OMG OMG OMG. Seriously, THAT CAST. and THAT STORY. GUH.

Speaking of Jeff Daniels, the husband and I just recently finished binge watching The Newsroom. More fantastic writing and acting. And yeah, yeah, typical middle aged white male hero, blah blah see point #2 up there.

I also finally broke into Orange is the New Black, which again – fantastic writing and acting. So many monologues, and they’re all good.

Game of Thrones? What is that? I don’t want to go there. We’re still watching it. I’m not happy about several obvious turns it’s taken, but no one is. It’s all been said, and whatever – DRAGONS.

Okay, that’s about all I have to throw into the void for now. Time to get back to job estimates and time travel. ❤

My Draggy Weekend Flim Flam

I was busy yesterday doing piano work, so I didn’t get the Friday mish-mash up. Because I’M NOT THAT UP TO DATE ON SHIT AND I DON’T HAVE MY BLOG POSTS PRE-MADE OKAY.

Now I’m really groggy and slow this Saturday, because I was tired after work yesterday and cold, and wound up snuggling in my bed with my dog and cats and napped late in the evening. Then I felt guilty for being so inactive so I exercised at 11 at night, and further ruined my already tenuous sleep pattern. Also, I got started reading The Arrangement by Mary Balogh, so I think I finally drifted to sleep around 5 in the morning.

ANYWAY.

Here’s a really, REALLY sexy video of dessert. You should probably just check out the whole Carte Noir YouTube playlist. 

Also, a star just got swallowed by a space-time warp. Space-time fabric weirds me out. In a good way. But still. Fucking magnets, man. How do they work. That’s how I feel about space. It’s magical and too goddamned vast for my brain to grasp. And I love it.

I’m currently doing some studying on writing, and might start regurgitating the advice and information I’m picking up here. If I do, it’d be more for myself than anything, as a place to put the pertinent notes I’ve marked in various books and blogs. So it wouldn’t be at all comprehensive, would likely seem lopsided as what I’m bookmarking is stuff that will hopefully help my own weaknesses. But, yeah.

Man, I’m dopey today.

Friday not-so-random shit

HI INTERNETS!

Welcome to 2015 and all that shit. I have some mish-mash links for you at the bottom of this post, if you want to skip the “me” stuff.

So. I’ve been kind of at a loss for anything heartfelt to say these past months, what with all the racism, transphobia, homophobia, sexism, classism, and general bigotry flying around. It’s crushing to see how fucked up the human race is, how much hate there still is in this world, and combined with the awareness of my own privilege as a cisgender, white, lower-middleclass American, I’ve struggled to find anything eloquent and organized enough to say, so I’ve pretty much been reduced to reblogs and link-passing.

On the non-political/humanitarian front, I’m officially burned out on book blogs and writing blogs, very lightly skimming headlines and occasional content. My two, mediocre little self-published releases frankly don’t bring in enough attention or money for me to give two shits about what Amazon is doing, or where the future of ebooks is. I just need to focus on writing actual stories, so fuck all the sniping and gossiping and hand-wringing.

Writing has been mostly “off” as well, while I figured out what my problems are: mainly a weakness in understanding and utilizing plot structure, and general frustration with trying to shoehorn stories into a romance formula. Both can be corrected, but that means taking a deep breath and patiently refocusing. All behind-the-scenes shit.

So what I’m saying is I’m still here. Same-o, same-oh.

Resolutions? Eh. Read more – a LOT more. Listen more – a LOT more. Treat every day that’s not a planned day off as a work day. Get health insurance, somehow. See a doctor and make my husband do the same. Fix up / restring my piano, get rid of the three other pianos in my house, fix up the digital piano I picked up. Polish off all the old pieces I mis-learned and add some more music to my repertoire. Blog more. Write. None of this is anything exclusive to January 1st, 2015.

All that said, have some links that are relevant to my mood, plus some urban exploration:

When you start to do these 20 things today, your life will be greatly improved. Okay, 20 is kind of a high number. Try just one at a time. They’re all pretty good, and none of them involve stupid shit like dieting or abusing your body or psyche.

20 Signs you Really Hate People. Gif-stravaganza. Oh, man, is this me to a tee. An oldy but a goody.

Urban exploration of the Burlington Bunker. “Under the Corsham Cotswalds approximately eighty feet below ground beneath RAF Corsham, lies the UK’s largest underground bunker and for sixty years one of the best kept secrets in modern MOD history. Burlington bunker. Assembled as an emergency relocation site for the British government if the threat of nuclear war ever became reality. The bunker boasts some impressive ‘sections’ from a BBC broadcasting suite to a Hospital all accessible via 10 miles of ‘road’.” AKA Really Cool Shit.

And finally, if you just want some pretentious hipster eye candy, there’s an Instagram of nothing but Men and Coffee. You’re welcome.

Currently listening to: Pure Heroine by Lorde

Friday Mishmash Returns! Daniel Radcliffe really IS a wizard, and more.

  • The Harry Potter actor really is a wizard. Of rap:

 

Speaking of writing, who’s doing NaNoWriMo this year? Don’t listen to haters. Don’t read those shitty blogs bitching and moaning about how everyone and their brother is a “writer” now, and how “you’re not REALLY an ‘author‘ unless you are paid to write,” blah blah fucking blah. Chase those words, my friends. Make imaginary people (or cats or aliens or bookends or whatever) dance to your whims. I’ll see you on the other side of it! (Yes, that’s CC-code for “I’m actually working on shit and I’m going to do the NaNo dance, too).

OH SHIT I ALMOST FORGOT!

Spoopy Halloween!

Spoopy Halloween!

Weekend Mashup!

Hey y’all! In case you missed it, we here in the ATL area got buttfucked sans lube this week in the form of traffic mayhem and government failure. For a pretty good rant/summary of what went wrong, and how ridiculous this whole thing was, I refer you to Jon Stewart. For a more straightforward explanation sans mockery, Spencer Hall nailed it with his piece, ‘Here’s How Hothlanta Happened (Again)’. It’s funny now, but it certainly wasn’t Tuesday night when my husband was stuck in icy gridlock for literally 22 hours.

I LOVED this little video-story about a 17-year-old Jewel Moore who petitioned Disney for a plus-sized princess. In return, one talented artist made of awesome drew her as one.

I can’t stop looking at this incredible makeup artistry by Stephanie Fernandez. No explanation – just click.

And finally, there’s the odd/sad/concerning story of a haunted little house near Gary, Indiana.  Regardless of whether or not you believe in this sort of thing, one thing we all absolutely have to believe is that the purchase of this house by Zak Bagans of Ghost Adventures can only result in eventual hilarity. I seriously cannot wait!

The Return of the Friday Mish-Mash! Bullshit, procrastination, beauty, and education!

First up, 10 Kinds of Disingenuous Bullshit That Need to Go Away in 2014. A-fucking-men.

Next, an insanely poignant and accurate piece on Why Procrastinators Procrastinate.

Here’s a gorgeous imgur set depicting what Disney villains would look like if they were ‘beautiful’.

If your 2014 has plans to learn more, you can actually get a college education for free, courtesy of the internet. This isn’t some crazy spam-o gimmick – link points to a list of sites like the Khan Academy, EdX, and MIT’s Open Courseware.

And finally, for your wintry prettiness, here is some large-scale snow art by Simon Beck, who walks all day to form these beautiful creations.